How to Forgive Others | The 4 Questions you need to ask yourself
Learn how to forgive others by answering these four critical questions which will make you aware of the costs of holding onto resentments and the benefits of letting them go.
Have you ever had somebody that you felt lied to you, cheated on you, stole from you, or said something really bad about you to others? Which in turn, made you look really bad in front of those people? What happened next? Did you argue and try to prove you were right? Or did you try to bottle it up inside?
Typically, we feel it in our stomach first where it starts to do somersaults and then it works its way up to the heart; the heart starts beating a little bit faster and by time it reaches the head, “you are dead” as Tony Robbins would say. We are caught overthinking about the situation, and making ourselves tired by thinking what we could have done differently during the time of the incident.
No matter what low-level feeling you get when you think of that certain person or situation that did wrong onto you, I wanted you to ask yourself four questions:
Have you forgiven yourself?
Take a moment to reflect on the issue and try to have compassion for yourself and your emotions. Know that you are allowed to experience good feelings and bad feelings. Know it is ok to react that way you did. However, in order to move on, you need to cultivate energy inside of you before you can even consider moving on. This is the paradox of forgiving yourself and choosing compassion for yourself before you show it to the people or situation that perhaps you need to forgive.
What are the costs of not forgiving?
The costs of not forgiving could vary on the situation, nevertheless, you should ask yourself what these are prior to remaining stuck. Are you experiencing anxiety or any other physical symptom when this particular situation is remembered? If so, there is an even a stronger need to rectify the situation.
What are the benefits of forgiving?
Understanding the concept, “time heals all” will allow you to reap the advantages of making amends. The benefits of making peace with the situation are endless. Oftentimes, you will feel as if a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders!
What are you fighting for?
Is it really what was done to you that you simply cannot forget or is it more of an ego thing, whereby proving a point is the most important thing? If so, reconsider why you are even bothered by the situation in the first place. Given the nature of the issue, you may ask yourself why this got you so wound up in the first place and why you have let it affect you for a long period of time?
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Hello friend, Kris here today’s question how to forgive others. What a question what a challenge. You know have you ever had somebody that you felt lied to you, cheated you, stole from you, or said something really bad about you to others. In turn, made you look really bad in front of those people. So if any of those things happened, what happened next? Did you notice how you became angry you know to different degrees? Some people really try to bottle it up. So it might not have been one of those kind of anger fits but definitely there was the energy of anger. There was an intensity to it. Right. And you maybe even felt it in your body. Typically, we feel it in our stomach first where it starts to do somersaults and then it works its way up to the heart; the heart starts beating a little bit faster and by time that it’s here in our head you know as Tony Robbins says and you get in your head you’re dead. And that’s when the feeling really anchors itself and it takes hold. So that’s the acuteness of what we call resentment. And that’s the opposite of forgiveness. And what happens is that anger turns into resentment if anger is an acute symptom then that the long-term chronic symptom is resentment at that low-level fear based emotion that just sort of bubbles up that it won’t ever get bumped whenever it gets triggered or poked.
You know maybe somebody has cheated on you for example and maybe you hear about a friend that had someone cheat on them and all of a sudden, the resentment comes up and you’re right back to when someone cheated on you. You know that that energy that emotional energy was stored in you and it’s ready to be activated again because it really hasn’t been released. And that’s what today’s video is all about… if you’re struggling trying to forgive someone and before you shut your door on that. No there isn’t anybody that I need to forgive. In fact, I’ve forgotten about all of that stuff. Maybe you have, maybe you haven’t. So keep an open mind. With this video and again for those that are struggling currently, like right now with knowing that they need to forgive someone because it’s just eating them up and it’s restricting them and they’re just not able to have the energy that they want to do all these other things and other people are noticing that the energy is still trapped because you’re still talking about you’re talking about it in your head, maybe that even comes out loud in conversations– these resentments of past wrongdoings. I can ask you for questions that are helping you through that. So question number one, have you forgiven yourself?
You know this is something that I’ve really had to work through myself if you know about my backstory and my history and the reason why I’m talking to you right now… the only reason. I’ve really had to study reason and it’s opposite, it’s cousin or the flip side which is obviously forgiveness and that’s why I really had to focus on it and in figuring it out in order to make sure that if it did come into my life because I’m human and of course I absorb energy. I identify what it is and I release it as quickly as I can. You know, that’s the sign of success for me is how quickly can I reach a release that was one day? Three months? Was it 12 months? In the past, I couldn’t release resentment at all. So today if I hang onto it for one day, I’m still a happy cat or happy camper because one day is better than never at all. So this is also something that I’ve had to focus and study on because now and I’m helping other people through lifestyle struggles and you see what happens is when we hold on resentment. And what I’ve seen in the clients that I coach, is that their lifestyle is negatively affected that they end up having a lot of problems and get stuck in a lot of different places in their life in regards to taking care of themselves when they get triggered. From this chronic deep down buried emotion that we call resentment and this is when they stop taking care of themselves and that’s really where I got to pick them up. You know, it may be they are not exercising anymore, they’re not eating properly anymore, and all the other things like not sleeping properly anymore. This is the five facets of your lifestyle: food, emotions, activity, relaxing, and sleeping which I talk about my book All Inclusive Diet.
Resentment not anger, is more of the long-term, chronic, residual resentment that wears on you. You’re wearing it and it’s one of these things that you really got to release yourself from and to take it off and put something new on and we’re going to talk about that in this video. But the first question I have for you again is, have you forgiven yourself? What I mean by that is, were taught to forgive others? But isn’t that hard. Like when you’ve been wrong when you’ve been lied to when you’ve been cheated on? When people have said some really bad things about you…I don’t know about you but it’s very difficult for me to even fathom forgiving somebody else and making a phone call, writing a letter, or even inside me just saying, “hey, let it go.” I can’t do it. And what I have found that I can do and perhaps you know what you can do as well is forgive yourself. Now what I mean by that is if you were in a situation where maybe you were cheated on for example, and you knew it was happening yet you didn’t say anything.
For example, you kept it bottled up because you were afraid, afraid of what was going to happen if you did bring it up right and all that chaos that it would create for example. So you kept it in the bottom up. You need to forgive yourself for that because I bet you that that’s part of the resentment as well. You are thinking. I knew it was happening. Why didn’t I just say something? Why didn’t I just do something? Because you were ready at that point in time we just weren’t ready and there’s nothing you can do about it. Absolutely. Because it was yesterday. It is gone. You know that we cannot go back in time. So forgiving ourselves for feeling that way and not doing anything about it, is something that is critical we’re not taught to do this, you know, in typical theology for example, you know depending on what religion perhaps you follow or maybe you don’t follow it doesn’t really matter just in society. I think that we’re told to always go outside and forgive others. But my friend, you know that all the answers are right in here. They really are all the answers to our problems and all the solutions are inside us. They truly are in our spirit. In our in our insight, in our intuitiveness, you know that’s where these answers are so that’s why we have to start there because we can’t start there we just don’t have the power we don’t have the energy to do that.
We need to cultivate that energy inside us before we can go out there and do what we need to do. For who for then. Oh no wait, we do it for us. Right and this is another paradox. This is the paradox of forgiving yourself and choosing compassion for yourself before you show it to the people that perhaps you need to forgive. The paradox is that we’re going to start in here and forgive ourselves. I bet you, if you think about it when’s the last time you’ve felt angry and that turned into resentment maybe there wasn’t any anger it was just long-term resentment that you can remember. Have you thought about you know your part in that, not your part in the blame. But just you know how you behave how you responded how you reacted and you said you know what. That’s where I was at that point in time and that’s OK and I truly do forgive myself why. Because I want to move on. So ask yourself that my friend. Because that’s where it all starts. Number two, the second question, I’d like to ask you if your intention is to forgive someone else would be? What are the costs of not forgiving? You know that person, place, or thing. There’s always a cost to this. There really is. You know for example, in today’s society, we know that a lot of marriages break down. You know I went through the same thing myself and I can tell you that it’s really hard. It’s really difficult.
And there’s usually lawyers involved and there’s bound to be a lot of anger, there’s going to be a lot of resentment, there’s going to be a lot of these feelings and you can hold on to those forever. No, because I help people that been holding on to those feelings forever that have had a situation like that or similar to that. And what we really need to do is think about how that is affecting us, how it’s costing us. You know in the example of a marriage breakdown, how is it affecting your children? If you have children for example, the energy that you feel towards somebody else, your past partner, for example does that appear to your children? I think it does. I think children are very intelligent. Although they don’t have as many skills as us, they’re more intelligent than us because they’re more intuitive. They’re more in tune with their feelings and the feelings of others. The energetic vibes that we’re sending out when we’ve got all this resentment towards that person, for example, they pick up on that and they learn from that because isn’t it true that kids don’t really listen to us? They watch us, don’t they? And what are they watching us to do? They see we wear our emotions. We really do it when we’re around that person. For example, they pick up on that and they’re curious and they’re confused a little bit too because they don’t understand, hopefully they’re not part of that energy.
Right. That negative energy fear-based global based energy that you’re omitting or projecting, basically out there and you just kept protected like you know a rifle with a scope just to that person it it’s like a shotgun. Man it goes everywhere, it really does. So good luck with you. Just say, “well, hey it’s just this first set and I’m going to direct it all just to that person.”
It goes to all persons around you, in all aspects through your life and in your lifestyle as well and the way that you take care of yourself. What is the cost of you not forgiving? Question number three, what are the benefits?
What are the benefits of you working through this and truly letting it go and getting perhaps the help that you need? Because I’m telling you, you need a guide. I sure did. I needed a guide through every resentment that I needed to work through. I needed to work through them because the consequences for were so extreme. I never want to go back to that former life that I had, I never will. There’s just way too much consequence in it for me now, maybe those consequences you think aren’t as high for you, but I want you to consider you know what would be the benefits? You know, if you were to forgive. How would you be different? How would the people around you be different, maybe it’s a situation at work where somebody said some bad things about you and you feel that that has messed up your chances for a promotion, for example, you know if you weren’t able to forgive that person perhaps I got the promotion you didn’t get that promotion then how do you think the people around you your superiors the people that gave you the promotion in the first place are going to feel about you? How are projecting resentment because I’m telling you my friend, we wear our emotions, we wear our heart on our sleeve, even the best of times. You know there’s people that are even better at seeing through the mask that we put on.
So it’s really important that we basically figure out, what are the benefits and maybe if I move on with this you know in a strange kind of way maybe it actually would help me and maybe I could have a relationship you know with that person that I have resentment towards. I’m not telling you that you need to be friends with them. Not at all. But you know truly forgiving then and having a clear pathway of communication with no barriers and no fences will allow you to flow free.
That’s where freedom truly is. So think about that. I know it’s a tough one. I had to work through all of these on my own and now I help other people’s work. So I get it. I really do. But please consider what are the benefits of forgiving? The last question I want you to ask yourself is, what the heck are you fighting for?
What is it? Why are you holding onto this? First of all, it’s taking a ton of energy away from you. It really is. And I want you to ask yourself what is the real reason is? You got hurt. I get it. I know but hold on a second, it was five years ago, it was 10 years ago, maybe it was maybe it was even a month ago, it was still back… somewhere there. It ain’t here. It truly isn’t. That is the truth of the matter. So what are you fighting so hard to hold on to? All right. And you know, could you actually open up and let that go because it’s you my friend that is continuing to hold on and fight for it and stand up for it and talk about, either in your head or out loud. No, that’s why you’re still stuck. That’s the truth of the matter. And I really want you to ask yourself, is it worth it? I know in my case, a lot of times while I was fighting, I wanted to be right. I want to be right and I wanted that other person or that other thing that other organization, whatever it was, to be wrong. And that’s what I was fighting for. And when I realized I said, “wow, you know it really is.”
I know I’m going to be judged. And I’m sure you’re judging me on this video right now, it’s just human nature we all judging each other and we have no absolutely no control although we try to control how other people think about us right now. But the truth is and you know it we have no control how we’re being judged so at the end of the day it don’t really matter. You know who they think won or lost what really matters.
My friend is you and how you feel and how you are showing up in your life.
Right how you’re feeling how you’re feeling day-to-day, especially when you get triggered, when you know that resentment comes to the surface and really rattles you. And you know a good sunny day starts off so well only to turn sour.
Just because of that trigger, that phone call, that letter, that story that you read that was similar to yours.
Whatever it is, think about what are you fighting for? And why are you holding onto that with all of your might? And you know is it really worth it. And I’ll leave you with this, “resentment drains of drains us of all personal power and you know what. Self-forgiveness. And self-compassion truly restores it. My friend I wish you to inspire to aspire.”
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