What, to protect us from pain, can cause more suffering? That would be the part of our psyche that is called the Ego. The famous Psychologist Sigmund Freud identified this while evaluating and treating pathologies originating from conflicts in the psyche. The definition has been further refined to be that which projects (and protects) how one views themselves and, therefore, how they will judge others. It could be described as part of the thinking mind, interpreting thoughts and feelings and ensuring they align with our persona, the mask we wear, or how we wish to be viewed by others.
To maintain a healthy and functional ego, one must be aware of their own flaws and strengths. The Ego is not exceptionally skilled at recognizing, admitting, or correcting character defects, as these tasks contradict its purpose. This creates a conflict. One possible solution could be: if something is not beneficial, get rid of it. However, since the Ego supports our persona, we cannot completely eliminate it; our persona is essential for social integration. As humans, being an obligate social species, this need for connection is non-negotiable. The impact of social isolation highlights this necessity, as it can be considered one of the harshest forms of punishment.
Left to its default state, the Ego will go to great lengths to protect what it believes is a threat to ‘self.’ It manifests as the ‘me,’ the ‘my,’ and the ‘I,’ hence its reputation for evoking selfish behaviour in people. It identifies as the captain in the sole exploration of a vast ocean of potential threats, picking up select “passengers” along the way and occasionally throwing some overboard. It uses fear in all its emotional variants to provoke what it feels is the appropriate [over] response to any threat. Understanding the truth about ourselves, including our flaws, poses the most significant challenge to our Ego. The Ego’s primary role is to shield us from the discomfort of facing our true selves. Therefore, we must confront it to discern what is genuine.
If we want to see the face of our Ego, we need to look no further than our close relationships, family, friends, and, most blatantly, intimate relationships. Couples can become involved in ego conflicts when different attachment styles clash, awakening the giant Ego. When one person becomes avoidant and the other becomes anxious, fear grows, and like reverse polarized magnets, they repel each other. The protest behaviours we often see, such as when our partners don’t express their feelings, dismiss our feelings, provoke jealousy and withhold love for each other, are all evidence of Ego activation. Since the threat of losing your loved one can be similar to losing a part of yourself, your Ego has all the justification necessary to hit the panic button and make a bad situation even worse.
When the smoke settles and you have a moment to reflect, you can unravel the series of events that led to the explosion. If you are honest with yourself, you will likely recognize your role in the conflict and understand what triggered the situation for you or your partner. Equipped with this self-awareness and transparent communication skills, you can work towards reconciling with your romantic partner.
So, what can we do about that part of our psyche that, while attempting to protect our reputation, can lead to being fired from a job or losing a relationship? There are no gimmicks here — not a “30 days or your money back” sales pitch to eliminate your Ego. It requires a lifelong commitment to staying conscious of what’s happening within you, which can change from day to day or even hour to hour. It’s essential to forgive yourself when you occasionally lose your temper. Once you achieve a higher level of self-awareness — which includes basic self-care, like making sure you’ve eaten in the last four to six hours — you will be well on your way to keeping your Ego in check and understanding what’s really going on with others.
The Ego has to be recognized as that part of us that is a little sensitive, at times immature, and no doubt has been burned and scared too many times to mention. So, it might jump to conclusions, which is a good time for another part of our psyche to jump in before we say something we regret. We cannot repress Ego; instead, it needs to be integrated into our psyche as one part of the whole–not the whole show. World-renowned psychiatrist Carl Jung dedicated much of his work in psychoanalysis to this process, which he called Shadow work.
The Ego doesn’t need to be the enemy. Still, it can be a friend, synergistically working with all other parts of our consciousness and unconscious mind toward a more meaningful existence worthy of being called ‘the soul.’
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